They say don’t look back, but sometimes it’s important to see how far you’ve come.
My friends now call me an author, but I just say I have recently published a book. You can find The Long Way Home by Sir Jvmes on Amazon (click on the link). I finished writing my anthology on October 1, 2022, and the publication process, which was supposed to take a month, actually took 600 days. On May 22, 2024, I finally received news of its publication. After almost a year and eight months, the novelty had worn off for me. When I eventually held my book for the first time and flicked through it, remembering what I had written, the first thing that came to mind was that I am not the same person who wrote this book almost two years ago. Even the author’s biography saying I live in East London is outdated, as I have moved “overseas”. People I had mentioned in my book who I once held dear, I now have no regard for, and relationships have drastically changed. The book initially made me sad as it represented everything that once was. I regretted speaking highly of individuals and immortalising their being. But I reminded myself that back when I wrote this book, that was my truth, that was who I was, and that was how I felt. The book expressed several emotions I did not understand at the time, emotions I was working through. Now, it symbolises how far I have come.
Often, people talk about the importance of always moving forward, saying there is nothing in the past. While I agree that we should not dwell on the past since it prevents us from growing, it is crucial to understand why. And when I say dwell, I mean becoming trapped in a cycle of stagnation. The old English word for dwell is dwellan, which means to “lead astray, hinder, delay, tarry, or remain in a place.” When people look into their past, they often revisit their traumas or, as Dante in Inferno would say, ‘recall happiness in times of misery’. In other words, we dwell in the extreme of the bad times or the extreme of the good times. The issue with dwelling in these places is that we make current decisions as if we were still our past selves. We base our decisions on past experiences. We become stuck. We might compare our current relationships to past ones, preventing us from allowing the potential of new relationships to move us forward. If something takes you back to a childhood trauma and you cannot escape, you inadvertently get stuck there. You will make decisions and respond to situations as if you were still that traumatised child from many years ago.
Though we must not dwell, it is important to briefly revisit the past. Einstein was correct when he said, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” But every now and then, you need to get off your bike and remember why you got on it in the first place. The journey may not be the destination, but we are often so busy cycling that we do not see how far we have travelled. Look back on the situation or environment you have started or saved yourself from, and remind yourself where you are going. Use this as an opportunity to change your wheels. Maybe the terrain you were once travelling on was rough and required thick tires, but now the terrain is smoother, and thinner tires will do just fine. Praise yourself for getting out of that situation and let go of the extra weight. Secondly, use this as an opportunity to adjust your course. Most of us spend the majority of our adult lives seeking the joy we had in our younger years. I am no exception, but I am fortunate to realise this earlier than most. Since graduating, I had gone down a particular career path that brought me little satiation, and with the state of our current economy, I saw no way out. I reluctantly got off my bike and reassessed. I had to remember the things I was passionate about in my former years and plan a new career route that would give me the fulfilment I desperately desired. Now, I am very excited to begin this new journey, and that would never have happened if I had not gotten off my bike and looked back. Finally, use this as an opportunity to take a break. Trust me, you need it. During this time, reflect on the past. Remember the things that brought you joy and the things that brought you pain, and use both to motivate you. Recall the things you tolerated and tell yourself you will never tolerate them again. Remember why you got on the bike in the first place.
Recently, I reflected on some of my relationships with my friends. Sometimes, especially with older friendships, you get used to someone’s presence and take it for granted, becoming less intentional with your friendship. I admit I took one or two for granted and felt that one or two were being taken for granted. Since then, apologies have been made, conversations had, and relationships rectified and strengthened. I needed to reflect to see what we had before, what is now missing, and what has changed.
Life is not one long journey, but a series of journeys of different lengths, some of which are taken simultaneously, each with its own unique challenges and rewards. As we navigate through these various stages, it is essential to periodically pause, reflect, and appreciate the path we have traveled. And when the journey gets tough, to remember where we are going and to remember our why. Only then can we truly understand and cherish the growth and experiences that shape who we are today.
What does one do when they are unable to carry the weight but to carry nothing feels too heavy?
In August 2022, I made the very difficult decision to quit my job because it no longer served me. I was allowed to leave immediately, and the moment I stepped out (literally and metaphorically) into the world, I felt an overwhelming surge, and several tears made their journey to the ground, only to be swept by the wipe of my hands. The job became too much for me to carry, so I chose to let it go. In the moment, you would have thought I would have felt the weight lift off my shoulders. However, in the process of letting go, I was left with the weight of my own emptiness. So much is required of us, and we give so much of ourselves away that when it’s all said and done, there is nothing left of us. At the time, that job gave me a sense of purpose and direction, and it took up a lot of space. So, without it, I felt empty, which was extremely taxing. And I remained unemployed for eight months. The emptier I felt, the heavier I felt, so the more I let go in order to shed weight, which led me down a self-destructive path. I eventually shaved my head, and a hiatus soon followed. I stopped writing and performing. I stopped doing and being. I just was.
It’s a strange and frustrating feeling, to feel weighed down by nothing at all. But perhaps this is an opportunity to take a step back and reassess what truly matters to you. Maybe we need to fill ourselves up with something new or reprioritise the things we already have. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s one worth taking. Sometimes, the emptiness can be a reminder of what we truly value and a guide to help us find our way back to ourselves. When you reach a point of emptiness, it’s as if you’re starting over. You may question everything, from your friends to your aspirations. Things you used to do may no longer spark interest. Many of us feel like we’re continually figuring things out and starting over and over again. But I once read that we never truly start over from the beginning; we start over with experience. In reality, an empty glass is an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to ask ourselves what worked the first time and discard everything else that did not. Or, what did I introduce into my life that did not align with everything else? I hope that as adults, we no longer do this… but I know that when we all went to Nando’s growing up and we had a refillable glass, we mixed all the soft drinks together because it was fun, interesting, and we wanted to try all the flavours. Maybe the second time we went to refill our drink, instead of four flavours, we mixed three. And the next time, we mixed two, and then one, or maybe a different combination of flavours. Our lives are the same. We grow up trying everything because we have just the one glass. But as we age, we realise through experience that actually, this career is not for me, or I really like this and I really dislike that. An empty glass is indeed an opportunity. Instead of allowing yourself to be weighed down by that feeling, fill yourself up once more with what you truly want and give those things a certain amount of space, or all of it. It is an opportunity for you to reprioritise things and to fully let go of things you no longer want or need.
But before we all go and fill our emptiness, we first need to understand it for ourselves. In the same breath, I realised that it was not the feeling of emptiness that weighed me down, but the process of emptying itself – a process we all understand to be called change. I first heard the adage “the more things change, the more they stay the same” in 2019 from the song “Easy” sung by Mac Ayres, performed by a former friend. Since then, I have heard the adage a number of times but never understood what it meant. It’s a baffling phrase. How can things change yet remain the same? During the summer of 2022, its meaning revealed itself to me. Everything around me was changing; I was jobless, hairless, gained weight, and had welcomed several new people into my life, etc. It all happened so fast, and I could not keep up. Despite all the changes, there were fundamental things that remained exactly the same, and in remaining the same, these constants had an even more secure position in my life. So, even though things changed, I knew that some things stayed the same, thus the phrase “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” A few constants in my life are God, love, my friends, sports, creativity. Even though on a few occasions I felt like I had fallen out of love with writing/poetry/music, the world continues to find a way to remind me that we are locked in for life. You need to identify the things in your life that do not change, despite everything, and hold on to them. Admittedly, I did the opposite and I let them go, or so I thought. The very premise of “the more things change, the more they stay the same” is that even if you let go of the things that stay the same, they don’t let go of you. Sometimes it’s the very things that make our glass half full that we let go of because we become used to running on a glass half empty.
If you suffer from the weight of feeling empty, you may need to question all your current or previous goals and aspirations. You may even need to question people and what value they hold in your life. What are you carrying that gives you a false sense of purpose or security that you need to let go of? What do you need more of, or need to fill or refill yourself with? Maybe the talents you have are not being used effectively, whether that is to achieve an important goal or simply to put joy in your heart. Speak to your inner child. What makes him or her smile? However empty you may feel, do not lose sight of your end goal. We were all mixologists at Nando’s, so maybe you need to try a few more combinations before you get it right.
The night was jumping. People were swaying from left to right as the music entered their bloodstream. Everyone was wearing their newest trainers and most expensive perfume. I was rocking my freshly shaved head and felt like the bomb.com. A figure walked by. Dark, cashmere, and gorgeous. WOW. That man was too fine. I began salivating. I blinked twice. My friend thought I needed help, but I was simply ensuring that I was seeing clearly. I had to gather myself and act as if I’d been here before. I approached him and struck up a conversation. He was talking because his lips moved but I couldn’t tell you what he was saying. Short story made even shorter, we exchanged phone numbers. We texted for a little while, and at this point I figured why waste any more time. I had concluded that the man was single and shot my shot. Prior to this, days had passed and I had debated whether I wanted to or not. I had sworn that the previous time I shot (successfully) would be my last. Like every other girl, I wanted to feel wanted, and because I am usually the shooter, it is a very rare feeling that I get to experience. After an intense gym session, whilst cycling home a bird shat on me and I thought – today’s my lucky day. My friend double-checked the message before I sent it. I complimented him and asked him out on a date. According to legend, I am still on delivered…
I understand how difficult it is to express your feelings and intentions to a potential love interest, and nothing hurts more than rejection. But in the process, I’ve learned a lot about love. To begin with, love, and everything that follows, is a choice. The common belief that love is a feeling does not explain why people can have deep feelings for individuals or for each other but never take that step. The answer is that they simply choose not to. Or why someone loves you but their actions don’t reflect it. They simply do not choose to act in a loving manner. If we look at one of the earliest examples of love, the Bible tells us in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…”, we can see that God chooses to sacrifice his only son because he loves us. He chooses to love us every day, even though we may feel unworthy of his love at times. If you ever shoot your shot and miss, be glad! It means you aren’t that person’s choice, and I’d rather have someone genuinely choose me than have my ego intact. When you score, they may eventually show you that they never chose you in the first place, but rather what you could offer and what they could gain. God gains nothing from loving us, but still loves us. What could you possibly give God that he doesn’t already have? Someone who recognises they are not better off loving you but still chooses to love you embodies love in its quintessential form.
I have a friend (I’m grateful to say have rather than had) who, when we first met, I thought to myself, ‘Ooo,’ I could like him. I say could because I decided in the same breath not to, and we’ve had a very loving and platonic friendship since then. My conclusion was he would never choose to feel that way about me. Those potential feelings didn’t exist as far as I or anyone else was concerned. However, I felt like I had betrayed myself by dismissing and never exploring them, and it was not like me to not take my shot. I spontaneously decided to address them five years later in order to completely forget them. You can imagine it was a long and difficult conversation. The cinema in me couldn’t help but feel like our friendship and dynamic were on the line based on other people’s past experiences from those who have been in similar situations. At first, he thought it was April Fools (it was December of two thousand and something…), but his expression gradually changed as he realised I was serious. It was an interesting conversation to have because I wasn’t shooting my shot, but rather recounting a shot I never took in the past that lingered in the deep crevices of my mind. In fact, if he had said the feeling was reciprocated, I would have been completely surprised because I went into that conversation knowing exactly how it should and would end. Many might ask, then, why bother risking everything for something you’ve overlooked and could continue to overlook?
That brings me to the second thing I’ve discovered about love. Allow people to make their own choices; never make it for them. I had made that decision for him all those years ago, and while everything worked out in the end, it was not my choice to make. When a group of friends goes out to eat, everyone orders for themselves (unless, like me, you order whatever your friend is having). In normal circumstances, you would never choose for them, and if a friend is running late, good friends would then text them the menu. Love is no exception. Let’s face it: the real reason people don’t shoot their shot is fear of rejection. Everyone would shoot if we were guaranteed success. But rejection should never be used to deny someone’s right to choose. If you’re reading this and have a specific person in mind, take your shot. I should say I hope you miss for the sake of this post, but I truly hope you make it. And if I’m the person you’re thinking of… tehehe… I’m waiting 🙂
